Thursday, March 27, 2008
How to Help your Child Avoid Psychological Scarring from other Snotty Kids
Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. There's a little girl in our ward who is mean to Rory on a regular basis. She tells Rory that she can't sit by her and that she doesn't like her. She also ignores her on the playground at school, and won't say hi to her, etc. But every now and then she treats Rory like they're best friends. This then gives Rory hope, since, for some reason, she really likes this girl and wants to be great friends with her in the worst way. So, it's a vicious circle. Rory talks about it on a regular basis, so I know it's affecting her. I'm not sure I'm giving Rory the pearls of wisdom that I hope to when I have talks with her about it, and I don't want this to damage her self-esteem for life. I usually tell her that she should just play with Maren (her best friend) or the other little girls that are nice to her, and that she shouldn't care what this other little girl thinks. But I don't know if she really gets it. It's a simple concept, but complicated to a four year old. What would you tell your child if this were happening to them? It seems to me that this girl is a manipulator. She knows that Rory really likes her, and she uses that to her advantage. And I've seen her do this with other friends of hers as well. It's like she's the ring leader of all the little girls in her primary class. She's got all of them wanting to sit by her by being the mean girl. I don't get it. Help! What should I tell Rory in four year old language?
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Well, here's what I would say, but I'm no expert, that's for sure. I would tell her that some people in her life are going to be mean--that's just the way life is. I would tell her that she should still be nice to this girl, but should try to hang around with other girls who want to be her friend. This lesson is one of the hardest to learn in life--and it'll get worse in junior high. But, unfortunately, most everyone has to experience it. I really don't think she'll be scarred--she'll just develop tougher skin throughout the years. Just keep reminding her how special and beautiful she is and that just because some people treat her horribly doesn't mean she's any less special. I think the more you tell her that, the more she'll believe it. When kids were mean to me, I never had anybody tell me I was special & beautiful, and I still turned out okay. I pretty much got told "that's just life" or "toughen up" and somehow did just that--toughened up and learned how to not be vulnerable and to be more confident in myself. I so wish I could protect Rory & all my nieces and nephews from any kind of pain, but then I guess they wouldn't grow. Just know that Rory is not alone--just the other day Elias got stopped on his way home from school by some junior high bullies demanding that he give them a dollar. So sad!!!
Thanks Ash! I'm grateful for a sister that truly puts a great deal of thought into her comments. You are an awesome friend! And your advice is absolutely perfect. Thanks for being a great sister and my best friend.
Ha! Woops. That was not Glen commenting obviously. :)
Thanks for being my best friend too :) Best friends should live near each other!!! Please! I'm excited for April...
Oh, and I figured that comment was not from Glen! Ha! Can you imagine if he wrote that?
I can't say it any better than Ashley did but I just want you to know that I understand. Everyone of my children have experienced some form of bullying or another especially Connor. It hurts my heart to see his pain, and I struggle with feelings of anger toward the offender while I know that these experiences happen and will continue to do so throughout life. I just try to listen to him, tell him how sorry I am, encourage and re-inforce his strengths, and then I tell him I love him and think he's the greatest. I must also admit that while my other children have experiences as well, I have seen them do the same thing in one way or another to others. What a struggle it is to get them to understand that Golden Rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you and not as they do unto you". I just stick to keeping FHE, Family prayer, and scripture study and hope for those blessings.
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